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I admit, there arenít really any thinly-veiled sexual innuendos in Exodus 22:29-30, but it was just too funny to pass up. This commandment is all about sacrificing the best of everything you have, from your food, to your livestock, to your children to the Lord. The usual interpretation isnít that God needs your stuff, he just wants you to give up all your favorite possessions in order to teach you humility (as if living without any scientific advancements isnít enough). Thereís just one tiny problem: God doesnít actually explain how the people are supposed to offer these first fruits. This would be like the government demanding taxes, but not bothering to tell you where to pay, how to pay, or even how much to pay, and then punishing you for not properly paying them!

Other places in the Torah will give more detailed explinations for how to bleed animals to death and burn their carcasses into delicious carcinogenic smoke and ash for God to savor, but for now, itís a very confusing commandment. Also, how are we supposed to give God our firstborn sons? Should they be bled and burned along with the cattle? Considering Godís handling of Abraham, it doesnít seem that out of the ordinary.

And whatís the deal with giving God the first of our liquor? If God wanted to get crunk, couldnít he just change some water into wine? At first, I was thinking that some alcoholic priest just sneaked this into the list of 613 commandments in hopes that it would get some free booze thrown his way, but after reading the footnote in the NIV, Iím questioning that idea; to quote, ďThe meaning of the Hebrew for this phrase is uncertain.Ē Thatís one of the things I love about the NIVís translators, they have the honesty to admit, on numerous occasions, that we have no freaking clue what the bible is talking about.



Baughbe writes:


What I wonder about is the delay on the livestock, but not the boys.

Richard writes:


"If God wanted to get crunk"? Possibly a typo, unless you are using a slang term for 'crazy drunk'.

As for the rest, I think the Catholic church takes the sons thing literally.

Joking aside (if I was joking), the firstborn sons were often the ones sent off to serve in the military, and the military was basically an arm of the religion. So -maybe- it means to have your firstborn son go serve the religion either as a priest or in the military.

Or, it really meant to take your son out and say "HERE GOD, TAKE MY SON IF YOU WANT HIM!" *nothing happens* "Well, son, guess you are not good enough for god."

Samael writes:


Perhaps this is in reference to that little ritual detailed earlier in Exodus -- the bit about having the choice between sacrificing your children or paying a priest a few silvers. Gotta reinforce how those sacrifices are FOR GOD, not for the priests, y'know. Otherwise the sheep might start thinking for themselves.

tussock writes:


Surely the church men can handle how it gets up to god. You give them the meat, they show you a pile of ash later. Problem solved.

Episode 616 writes:




Oh the irony!