I admit, there arenít really any thinly-veiled sexual innuendos in Exodus 22:29-30, but it was just too funny to pass up. This commandment is all about sacrificing the best of everything you have, from your food, to your livestock, to your children to the Lord. The usual interpretation isnít that God needs your stuff, he just wants you to give up all your favorite possessions in order to teach you humility (as if living without any scientific advancements isnít enough). Thereís just one tiny problem: God doesnít actually explain how the people are supposed to offer these first fruits. This would be like the government demanding taxes, but not bothering to tell you where to pay, how to pay, or even how much to pay, and then punishing you for not properly paying them!
Other places in the Torah will give more detailed explinations for how to bleed animals to death and burn their carcasses into delicious carcinogenic smoke and ash for God to savor, but for now, itís a very confusing commandment. Also, how are we supposed to give God our firstborn sons? Should they be bled and burned along with the cattle? Considering Godís handling of Abraham, it doesnít seem that out of the ordinary.
And whatís the deal with giving God the first of our liquor? If God wanted to get crunk, couldnít he just change some water into wine? At first, I was thinking that some alcoholic priest just sneaked this into the list of 613 commandments in hopes that it would get some free booze thrown his way, but after reading the footnote in the NIV, Iím questioning that idea; to quote, ďThe meaning of the Hebrew for this phrase is uncertain.Ē Thatís one of the things I love about the NIVís translators, they have the honesty to admit, on numerous occasions, that we have no freaking clue what the bible is talking about.