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It only took until verse 5 to start a lengthy list of useless names. Christ on a cracker, this book is going to be painful! In Numbers 1:4-17, God names off all of the tribes of the Israelites, the names of the military leader of each tribe, and the name of the leader’s father. Each member is expected to meet in front of Moses, explain his pedigree as though he were a dog, and give the count of their soldiers.

In another not-at-all-shocking display of favoritism, nearly all of the names in the list have a meaning like, “the Lord is my rock,” “my kinsmen are almighty,” and “Jahweh gives me a boner.” Okay, maybe that last one is made up, but seriously, how many of these ridiculous names can there be? It’s like the Israelites purposely created new words just to butter up their bully god. To be fair, out of the 30+ names, there are a few that don’t glorify God or the Israelites, and even one that is pretty cool. The military leader of the tribe of Naphtali is Ahira, whose name means “my brother is evil!” Just imagine what kind of parent would name their child that!



Baughbe writes:


It's names like that which to me indicates strongly that all these strories are made up totally and not even loosely based on any historical event. Pure fiction, and poorly written fiction at that.


Oh the irony!