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Once again, God gives advice that will certainly kill you if you follow it. In Numbers 10:9-10, he explains that when the Israelites are at war in their land against oppressing enemies, they need to blow trumpets in order to get God to remember them. Upon doing so, God will be reminded of his chosen people (did he forget?) and make sure that they are saved from their enemies! In fact, he doesn’t even say anything about martial combat, it seems all you have to do is blow some trumpets!

First of all, notice how God is not talking about the Israelites defending their land, but rather going to war in their land. This is because when they do finally reach the Promised Land, they’ll find that several cultures have been living there for ages and they’ll need to be driven out of their homes. God isn’t talking about defense, he’s talking about invasion!

But let’s focus on these magic trumpets that are supposed to rouse God from his forgetfulness and get him back on your side. Do they actually work? Well, take a look at the Israelite’s capital city, Jerusalem. Surely it’s still under the control of the Israelites what with this impenetrable defense, right? Uh, well… actually it’s kind of under the control of Muslims right now. But surely this is just a one-off because the Israelites forgot to sound their trumpets, right? Well… actually the city has been captured 23 times in its history. The Babylonians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Persians, the Ottomans, heck, even England is one of Jerusalem’s many conquerers. I don’t think the trumpets worked.

Speaking of other cultures, God probably could have been a bit more creative when making a magical military artifact. Practically every culture before or after the Israelites has used some form of instrument to march into war. Drums, cymbals, fifes, even bagpipes are well-known military instruments, hell, entire genres of music exist based on military marches. As usual, God is just copying the previous cultures.

God’s inability to protect his chosen race aside, he also commands them to blow trumpets when they make gory animal sacrifices to him. What, does he need a dinner bell too?



Baughbe writes:


You know, for an all-knowing deity, he's rather forgetful. Maybe when they blew thier horns for defense of the city, "God" thought it was the dinner bell and didn't realize the BBQ ribs were his own people.

November writes:


>"War against oppressors on your land"
>"oppressors on your land"
>God being the most opressive landlord ever

Then we invented terrorism

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Oh the irony!