I try to keep vulgarities held back for special occasions, and this is one of them. GOD IS SUCH A DICK!
Believers often like to think of God as their father, so let’s make an analogy. Let’s say that a father has three children, two sons and a daughter. One of the sons gets the majority of his attention, tons of heart-to-hearts, and a lot of face time. The other two kids are almost completely neglected. Occasionally the father will write them cryptic notes, but he never bothers to see them or talk to them directly even though he has plenty of free time. I would hope that most people would be disgusted by such a father just from that alone, but it gets worse. One day, the father overhears the two neglected children speaking ill of their brother, saying the brother doesn’t even deserve all the attention he gets. If the father considered his actions for even a moment, he would realize that it is his favoritism which is making this children hate him, but instead the father yells at the two for being jealous, continues to praise his favorite son, and then locks only the daughter outside in the for a week, never punishing the other son. Again, I hope everyone would see this father for the monster he is, but believers are forced to see his actions as nothing short of perfection!
As for God saying Miriam’s father should have spit in her eye, this appears to be a cultural practice. If a child has caused shame on their parents of this culture, they are to spit in their child’s face as a punishment that is just as symbolic as it is gross. Essentially, God is saying, if your father had punished you more, maybe you wouldn’t have these silly notions of equality, and you wouldn’t be in such trouble now!
So, like all lepers, Miriam remains on the outskirts of the camp for a week, during which time the Israelites remained camped until she was able to return. Once she was “clean” again, they followed cloud-God to Paran, the same place they just left a few weeks ago! God does not make a very good Garmin.